You know you are getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."- Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men do not think there's a lot they do not know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I am doing, just show me somebody naked."
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry is not your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that is the law.
Men do not care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
